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I just want to get one thing straight. For anyone who only met me within the last 3 years, I am not actually this moody. Or bitchy. Or drained looking. Or negative. Or angry. Ok, I’ve always been opinionated and strong minded and ok ok, slightly (or perhaps more then slightly;) moody, but not like this. And I blame this all on sleep depravation.

You have no idea. Sleep deprivation is torture, I don’t care what anyone says. I had baby number one at 39 years old so lets just say my ability to handle changes and stress was less then a 25 year old new mom… Of course while you’re pregnant and getting all big and swollen, you already start to lose a lot of sleep. But nothing compared to what’s about to come…

Baby is born and firstly you deal with all the breastfeeding through the night and then once thats done you still have to go through all the sleepless nights of waking every time your baby cries. By the time Gaja was 9 months old, I was already pregnant with Soraya so I had the whole uncomfortable pregnancy lack of sleep on top of it all.

What was my husband doing through all of this? Sleeping.

Then once Soraya was born, that was it. Here came what I call the worst sleeping baby that has ever existed. I love Soraya dearly but oh my god. She is now 2.5yrs old and I think in total she has had 2 nights full sleep in her life. And you can be sure that on those 2 nights, I woke up in a panic a few times during the night, thinking she might not be breathing!? And then I would go check on her and mistakingly wake her and then kick myself for even going in to check on her.

What was my husband doing through all of this? Sleeping.

With Soraya first came the usual all night breastfeeding lack of sleep. And then came the whole colic thing. You have no idea how much vomit can fly. How such a little baby can have so much force to shoot vomit all over you and your entire bed and room. And then the earth shattering screams that follow. Poor baby, but sh*t, I really needed my sleep.

What was my husband doing through all of this? Sleeping.

At one point Gaja was waking me so many times in the night and Soraya was constantly crying and puking and I don’t know what, I was totally losing my mind. I decided I need to sleep train Gaja so at least she would be taken care of. Talk about a stubborn baby. I used the sleep training technique where you keep walking into the room, putting them to sleep and walking out. Gaja would walk out her room and I would have to keep a straight face and walk her back to her bed. Calmly. Without yelling. The one night she came out her room 64 times. I kid you not. 64 times. And I had to just walk her back to bed with a calm face!? I did it. But it took a long time to train her.

What was my husband doing through all of this? Sleeping.

With Soraya I can’t. I have to get every bit of sleep I could possibly get. So she rules me at bed time. By the end of the night she inevitably ends up in my bed. I have tried sleep training but she just gets so pissed off with me she would rather scream so much and make herself vomit all over the place, then give in to my sleep training. And I don’t need her screaming so loud she wakes Gaja, so by the end, I bring her into my bed. I wish that was the end of it. Soraya likes to kick and punch while she’s sleeping. So either she’s keeping me awake by just screaming and being difficult, or she keeps me up even when she’s asleep by kicking and punching me and basically pushing me out my bed.

What was my husband doing through all of this? Sleeping.

I remember one incident clearly. I was more exhausted then you could ever imagine. Dead. Both kids keeping me awake. I think I put my head down on the pillow and passed out for a second, with my head facing up, then I suddenly hear ‘psssshhttt, pssssshhhht, psssshhhht!? I wake up and it’s Richard, he actually woke me up to ask me to stop snoring. That was almost the end of our marriage.

I often wondered if he actually really doesn’t hear anything or if he does hear but just acts like he doesn’t, thinking that I would go and deal with it anyway.

Then recently a friend bought my husband a birthday gift. A Fitbit. You usually use it for exercise or to count your steps but it also has a sleep monitor. Big mistake. My husband woke up in the morning after a seriously hard night for me where both kids had me running from room to room, and he says, ‘Wow! I slept a solid 8hrs last night, uninterrupted sleep and no movement!’. Are you serious!?!? Do they really not hear ANYTHING!?

So I decided I would write this blog about how men are able to sleep through everything…. Just as I was wondering if it was a legitimate enough topic to write about, I go and meet my friend Sean for lunch, I drag in the 4 kids, with my blood shot eyes and Sean looks at me and says ‘I’m so exhausted, I just slept 10hrs straight!’. I arrest my case.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband and my children dearly. But sleep deprivation can really drive you to lose your mind! Please someone tell me if I’m the only one going insane about this!? Is this how it works in your household too?